MAYA

Okay, so today life itself seems more like this miserable road trip, everyone tense and irritable, weather hot and sticky, coffee from the drive-through at BK tepid, and the 8 year old in the crowd got the wrong order for breakfast. This after entering traffic again, sitting at the first stoplight, in the turn lane already, 30 feet from the Interstate entrance.

Put the hue and cry on hold for a moment: just exactly why, in the name of all that is holy, did you DO this? What were you thinking? Maya . . . illusion. Visions of singing along with each other, everyone excited about a destination, rare and stimulating conversation among members of your family, (who, 51 weeks each year, reside in the house with each other grudgingly, and speak only when necessary, usually in monosyllables), a getaway which instantly bonds the little group of loved ones who make up your world.

The travel guide was lies, all lies. The hour long drive across the park, supposed to enthrall everyone with breath-taking views, was less than successful since no weird animals approached the car desperate to be fed . . . the 14 year old, having been informed by the 16 year old what was actually IN the meat tacos she just ate from the roadside stand, makes a frantic dash for the restroom, returning pale, glowering and downright belligerent.

Suddenly, all that is floating across your mind is that bottle of good Scotch you so cheerfully and carelessly left sitting in the sideboard. There’s an almost uncontrollable need to stop the car, force everyone out, and drive away.

Next time, send all persons in the household under 20 years old to camp (and no one over 20 is allowed to return home, except at Thanksgiving and Christmas, for a maximum of 3 days) and hit the road, just you and your significant other. And make sure (this is the most important factor in your enjoyment of any trip) that it’s the ‘good’ time of the month. Otherwise, there’s always a better than average chance that your trust in travel magazines will be completely and forever obliterated, you will lose your childlike belief in good endings, and you may shortly be trolling around on craigslist for a new home, not to mention partner.