True Value

Like the name of the popular retail establishment, true value is understood to mean quality -- the best, above average. Oscar Wilde once said "A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." What do we really know of value? Awakening each morning to the natural music of birds, seeing the look of wonder and delight on a child's face who touches the nose of a calf for the first time, watching the seasons change from a window of your home, understanding the life patterns of this earth and its inhabitants, and that all of us have a place in that cycle. We have done absolutely nothing except be born to deserve all this, and we need do nothing but grow mindful to appreciate it. It can be difficult to remind ourselves of this quiet essence of all that lives. Some are such masters of growing things -- it seems that these artists of the earth could plant an umbrella and in due time find little umbrellas growing. Beautiful, nourishing gardens, flowering shrubs, fruit trees, blooms of all descriptions are creativity in its purest form. Though paintings are wonderful and art of all kinds translates into languages understandable to all, the creation of living plants which in turn sustain our lives is essential, actual value. It is no accident that many beautiful words have been written in gardens, or that descriptions of the earth and nature, that creation of the master artist, are so plentiful. Somewhere among all that we possess is the truest of all gifts -- we need not even consider price -- it is ours. Mathematical symbols denoting quantity, or for assessing cost are useful for transferring goods and services . . . let us never confuse price with true value.

Addiction

Unfamiliarity with addiction doesn’t protect anyone. Initially, when faced with it, first comes hopeful reasoning. Something ‘set it off’ or ‘caused’ it. Just look the other way, everything will get back to normal sooner or later. When the addict is a loved one, disruption sends everyone within the life sphere into spirals of coping. Children, especially, are confused and frightened by addictive behavior of one or both parents. They aren’t safe and they know it. They can’t connect with the addict, and they realize that no matter how much love they extend, how much support and care, the addict will not respond positively to them while influenced by the chosen substance. Substance abuse translates into abusive treatment to everyone who comes into contact with the addict. Withdrawal, neglect, cruelty in the form of explosive verbal or physical attacks are common.

Alcohol, drugs (illegal or prescription), tobacco, marijuana, overeating, hoarding, and many more activities and substances can be addictive. Some of these alter mental stability and decision-making more than others, though all result in some type of abuse for those who are subjected to interaction with the addict. Alcohol is a common, deadly addiction. Because it is legally obtainable and socially acceptable, for long periods of time the fact that overuse is causing problems can be denied or obscured, or that the person who uses it excessively is abusing it, and in turn abusing those around him/her. All sorts of excuses will emerge. No one is fooled, especially the user. This simply buys more time within which to wreak havoc on all lives involved. With everyone else who is around, it’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly.

Addiction is, more than anything else, self-absorbed behavior. When entering into a mentally altered chemical fog, it’s definitely a one-person show. Nothing else matters as much, is as important. It’s an extreme form of withdrawal . . . from everyone, from life. The comfort is within, something like a siren song which can’t be silenced. Another reality, just as familiar and many times more desirable. Many confirmed addicts are newly surprised, each time after returning to sobriety, that any damage has occurred as a result of their actions. Then there may be guilt, contrite apologies, promises of future abstinence, denial, or even defensive anger, which tends to end any meaningful discussion of the problem. The addict frequently does not acknowledge that there IS a problem . . . and transfers any responsibility for these to significant others.

The path to resolution is very simple, albeit harshly drawn. STAY or LEAVE. If it is STAY, all available energy galvanizes around and to the addict. Ultimately, life itself will revolve around whether or not the addict decides to continue to use. There may be treatment centers, meetings, support groups, binges, slow climbs back-on-the-wagon. Life will go on, no one will have illusions, and acceptance will be in order . . . lies, excuses, crisis management. If it is LEAVE, the addict finds that no one wishes to, or will agree to, reside within the altered framework of functioning which has been offered to them. Moving on with life, absent addiction and its patchwork quilt of daily, weekly or monthly fallout, is deemed preferable. Adjustments will be made and living arrangements changed. There is simply no middle ground.

Meaningful Lives

Remembering my grandmothers usually brings to mind crocheting, knitting, hooking, (rugs), quilting, canning, ceramics, painting, sewing, needlepoint and the like. Both of them were born in the mid to late 1890s. My maternal grandmother was skilled at painting ceramics and china, and oil painting. She favored landscapes and flowers, and occasionally depicted different kinds of birds. When refreshing the flowers at the cemetery where she is buried, it is my habit to include a small bird within the bouquet placed there for her. For some reason, it pleases me to think that it would have made her happy. My paternal grandmother made delicious pear preserves, crocheted beautiful and useful items, and gardened. Her camellias were the talk of the neighborhood, as were her rose gardens. She sewed, and made delicate fine cotton doilies with intricate patterns. Her sparkling bright blue eyes and halo of fine white hair are still in my memory so clearly, and though crocheting isn’t one of my talents, her needles still are safely in my possession.

These women took care of so many people. It is doubtful that either of them ever thought of having a manicure or pedicure. Their husbands probably never had the thought of going into the kitchen to prepare food for themselves . . . it was women’s work, not their domain. By the same token, the men took care of the repairs, the vehicles, the animals, and worked to earn the money to run the household. It was the way of things, no one thought anyone was shirking a duty when sticking to responsibilities understood to be theirs. Hunting, fishing, cleaning game, taking care of the guns and ammunition and the lawn were in the male domain, though many women who were left alone learned to accomplish these chores and did them without complaint.

One arose at first light or before, and began organizing the day so that others could eat, go out to work or school, the animals could be fed and watered and the garden weeded, before the heat became too high. Clothes were washed in wringer washers, and it was definitely a bit of work to get laundry done and hang out the clothes to dry, using wooden clothespins, on lines stretching across the yard beside the house. When bringing in the crisp, dry clothes, one had to check carefully so that a wasp or hornet would not be folded within the fabric, and cause an unwelcome and painful surprise. No dryer of today nor any dryer sheet, replete with artificial flower or ‘springtime’ scents, can ever match that fresh, clean scent from sun-dried clothes on the line.

On Sunday, everyone in the house attended Sunday school, morning church service, and evening services. When there was a visiting minister at the church, the ladies took turns providing dinner (which was the noon meal) for the visitor and family. It was a matter of pride to prepare the best dishes, and whatever culinary specialty the ladies claimed, for these dinners. Pork chops, sweet potatoes, roast beef baked in a slow oven with fresh potatoes and carrots from the garden; perfect tomatoes, onions and peppers, green beans and squash, with at least two pies and a cake for dessert. Steaming cornbread with fresh butter, yeast rolls. Pecan, apple, peach, chocolate and lemon meringue pies, coconut, peppermint and banana cake, and homemade boiled custard if it happened to be near Christmas or Thanksgiving. Whisky, usually placed on the table in a small crystal pitcher for ‘flavoring’ in the boiled custard, was notably absent at these church dinners.

The family was the central focus, the home its setting. Seamless in its place of priority for all who belonged, there was no question of challenging its integrity or importance. Everyone just knew. No one expected to be thanked for doing their job. The doing was enough . . . all effort had its own reward. They were doing what needed to done, taking care of their lives and the lives of those with whom they had become connected. My maternal grandmother lived to the late 1970s, and my dad’s mother the early 1980s. During those years, we thought they would be with us forever . . . we gave no thought to losing them. It was a simple time, almost like a dream. Until we arrived at middle age, some of these treasures didn’t surface in our memories. Frequently now, a comfortable feeling of quiet gratefulness floats into mind . . . remembering how quietly these women lived their lives, with dignity, unusual mindfulness and meaning.

Competition

Competition

A friend’s blog recently stated that a certain quote from Vince Lombardi that winning was everything was actually a misquote. After researching the matter, two quotes of Lombardi’s in regard to winning caught my interest: “Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing.” And: “If it doesn’t matter who wins or loses, why do they keep score?”

So long as competition exists, obsession with winning will also. Another long-time friend and I have a (sometimes intense) lifelong discussion going about competition. He believes that all competition is bad and should not exist. I do not. In all the years during which we’ve discussed the subject, neither of us has changed our minds. However, in the past several years his point has begun to be more understandable.

Imagine for a moment what would ensue if competition did not exist. Races, sporting events would still exist . . . with no scoring, no winners, no losers. It would be literally a game, exercise, fun. Would there be motivation? Drive? Interest? Could anything be marketed? Would fans still exist?

Think for a moment about friendly games . . . during which there is no tension, no positioning for being the one with all or the most points at the end . . . hopscotch, jump-rope, other children’s pastimes. Piano/music recitals, plays, dances. We'd still have organized games, sports. There’s participation, skill and fun; action. No winners, no losers. Simply a display of ability. So . . .if there were no contests, no prizes, no glory, would we still want to participate? What happens next? Competitive organized sports . . . now suddenly there’s good and not good; there’s making it and not making it; there are stars and also-rans. The fun becomes occasionally vicious, and certainly creates skill tiers among young people at a time in their lives during which they are deeply vulnerable and involved in developing crucial levels of self-esteem.

It’s conceptually intriguing to imagine life without competing with each other. Would we be more evolved, less violent? Could the human race aspire to a higher road? Might we be more concerned with loftier pursuits, moral and otherwise, if we dispensed with clashing with each other to find out who will vanquish the other? Is this state of affairs simply getting in our way?

Many advanced civilizations have encouraged competition . . . even demanded and exalted it. The Romans come to mind, along with several prominent countries of this planet which have been involved in technological/arms races for decades. The points and winners here are only slightly subjective. Organized religion even has its own type of competition, popularly known as evangelism . . . align with us, we have the right stuff. We’re the real winners, God is on our side.

Perhaps it is impossible to live without challenging each other . . . crusades, duels, wars, and now broad-spectrum marketing, which may be the most deadly of all. Must be a winner, or you could be a loser, and you’d better align with winners if you want to have the ‘right stuff’ . . . or be seen as competent and/or desirable. Competition doesn’t even have to accumulate or acquire points; it can simply be who comes out on top in any race to be first. It can be pretty subjective, seemingly without organization; as in who makes the team, who is chosen, who is eliminated.

And what about politics? The party system in this country, for instance, is the ultimate competition machine. No one need even talk about the super-manipulation going on all around and in this well-established mode of control. In fact, the competitive spirit overtakes everything else, most notably ethics, morals and honor. Forget everything except winning.

In short, it would be like trying to get rid of eating or drinking; talking or sex. If it isn’t inherent, no one can prove it. Likely none of us would even think of questioning the idea at all. It’s part of the human race, the way we perceive it. A case could be made for eliminating all competition, however; we would then be a super-race of committed, bonded humans working and playing for the common good, for all mankind. And if you can wrap your mind around this, I have this bridge in Brooklyn I want to sell you.

Know Thyself

Know thyself. A precept inscribed in gold letters over the portico of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi. Its authorship has been ascribed to Pythagoras, several of the wise men of Greece, including Socrates, and to Phemonoe, a mythical Greek poetess. According to Juvenal, this precept descended de caelo . . . from heaven.

Two interpretations of this ancient saying have been studied and discussed by many learned scholars and researchers. One refers to principles, morals, thought and behavior of humans; the other possessing a more mystical meaning. Many guides and schools of thought exist today as to efficient evaluation and modification of human behavior. It is optimistic, and even reassuring, to believe that we have choices . . . that we can and should change behaviors which do not serve us well. In the well-known Matrix film series, the saying is written on a plaque above the Oracle’s door, in non-traditional Latin . . . temet nosce . . . (thine own self thou must know), which is translated in the film series as ‘know thyself.’

We do struggle daily with probabilities of enslavement . . . to habit, circular thinking patterns, ‘old tapes’ which we replay over and over, whether they are currently useful or not; to people or organizations to whom we commit, whether work, play or personal; to our own anger, addictions, or simple inability to comprehend the best for ourselves. Of late, we are admonished frequently in regard to serving our tendencies toward egotism, and instructed to be very aware of that pitfall of human functioning. The ancient Greek philosophers believed that no human can ever hope to understand the human spirit and thought completely. We may have success, therefore, in carefully examining our behavior and how it impacts on the world at large. That is, introspection and resulting self-knowledge reveals who we are and what truly motivates us.

Further distinction must be made as to egotism of the human mind and the ego which exists within the self, or what is frequently termed the I AM consciousness. In this sense, ‘know thyself’ is the path of each soul’s journey toward the question of life’s meaning.

Our realities necessarily contain much which pertains to others who are part of or who have entered our life spheres; significant others, children, parents, sisters and brothers, friends, careers, organizations and communities of which we are a part and toward whom we have assumed responsibilities. If a break occurs in this chain of reality in which we find ourselves, frequently we have difficulty accepting the challenge to move on and create a different framework of reality. Divorce or death of a companion, loss of a child, loss of parents, a career position . . . can ‘set us on our ears’ and torpedo our forward motion, not to mention our mental stability and physical health. It is amazingly simple to carefully note the occurrence, feel deep respect and love for what it was to us, and move on, realizing that one reality will melt into another and we will change along with the status now existing in our lives. Self-knowledge does give us insight toward accepting our own lives . . . and the understanding that we cannot effectively transfer meaning which enhances our own souls onto another person or persons, to accept this fact completely, and sever our dependence on human approval unless we know ourselves to be in full accordance with it.

To know ourselves is to fully accept, to love, to refrain from judgments and regrets, and to remain serene in our minds and hearts as we fulfill the lives we have chosen.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Fun . . . the expenditure of time in a manner designed for therapeutic refreshment of one's body or mind. That said, are we having fun yet?

No doubt all who read this will perceive fun in many different ways. Sports are fun for many, movies, parties, travel, comedy shows, television, reading, spending time with children and friends, or pets. A smaller percentage will think of their work as fun . . . very fortunate percentage, at that. Activities which are enjoyable or amusing make us happy. While having fun, we are carefree, lighthearted, and generally unworried. It is easy to be untroubled, glad that we are alive. In fact, having fun at all times appears to be a desirable, optimal way of living.

Giving ourselves permission to have fun is another story. Obtaining permission from our significant others may be difficult at times, also. A happy spirit, free of judgments and hyper-responsible guilty feelings, coupled with a reasonably relaxed mind speed one toward having many happy and fun moments. Have we become too serious about life? As Will Rogers has said: “ . . . get all the laughs you can” and . . . “don’t take yourself too serious.”

A line in shock rocker Marilyn Manson’s song Putting Holes in Happiness . . . “ways to make the tiny satisfaction disappear” pretty much outlines the tendency some have to take down someone else’s elation so that it matches their own level of un-fun. A lifetime of this can be a real downer, (defined as one that depresses, such as an experience or person) especially when you find that you’re married to or working with one of these people . . . or heaven forbid, both.

Utne Reader prints Matt Labash’s (Weekly Standard) article in regard to fun in the workplace: “If you thought there were only 301 Ways to Have Fun at Work, as suggested by the smash book that’s been translated into six languages, then you’re shortchanging yourself because, technically, there are 602 ways (see 301 More Ways to Have Fun at Work). Using examples culled from real companies in real office parks throughout America, the authors suggest using fun as “an organizational strategy—a strategic weapon to achieve extraordinary results” by training your people to learn the “fun-damentals” so as “to create fun-atics” (most funsultants appear to be paid by the pun).”

Funsultants? Oh, fine idea. If ‘fun’ to you seems to be suspect, practiced by mostly irresponsible, immature others, permitted only when it’s safely slotted into a small time frame and outlined carefully, you need immediate help. Race to a competent therapist. Happy, relaxed people get more accomplished. Besides, you will live longer, be healthier and have more friends if you laugh and have fun regularly. Trust me on this.

The Right to Die

The international furor and resulting arguments among euthanasia advocates, religious groups, lawyers and ethicists, about where the state’s duty to preserve life truly begins and ends, continues. The right to decide whether one wishes to continue to live must be finally the individual’s. In the absence of a family member or friend who has agreed to make those decisions based on the individual’s instructions, or a Living Will, people who are unfortunate enough to enter a medical facility at the end of their lives will endure much more prolonged pain and suffering than a simple, quick death would cause. Religious groups, fearful that God’s wishes may clash with an individual’s decision to end his/her life, are usually adamant in regard to their opinions against upholding any right of an individual to choose an end to all these machinations. Feeding tubes, artificial breathing apparatuses, drugs, IVs, catheters. The list is endless. No peace, no dignified, quiet cessation of life. It is a frenzied way to go out of this world.

Why are we so fearful of death? It is natural, ordained by the human condition. When we are conditioned to feel fear and aversion, there are many groups, who already do and will continue to profit financially from our desperate desire to avert the end of our lives.

It seems, if we insist that our views as to prolonging or preserving life should be employed in the face of an individual’s opposite wish, that we are dangerously close to playing the diety, dictating to another what they must do based on our framing of the situation. If we have the support and guidance of our religious group, we feel complacently correct . . . God is on our side, we know His will. In fact, we know only what other humans have decided in regard to God’s will, and which we have agreed to adopt as our own idea or opinion.

When any government is granted the legal right to choose life or death for its citizens. . . why would anyone assume that a government, employing this right, will use its esteemed capacity to make decisions always for extending life . . . and could never decide death instead? The sanctity of human life? The condition of woman and men in China and other over-populated countries makes this only too clear. Couples are forbidden, on pain of retribution from the government, to have more than one child. Pregnancies are expected to be terminated if they occur outside these established legal parameters. This is mandated by government. Life, as many on this planet live it each day, is fraught with peril . . . starvation, torture, abuse, poverty, ruin. How many well-meaning zealots, sitting each day in a safe and clean office/home environment, typing out pious tomes about preserving life, actually are
in touch with the life reality of a large portion of the world’s population? How, without experiencing traumatic physical disability firsthand, could any of us make opinions as to someone else’s pain and state of mind? How can we fervently believe that the government should ever have the right to decide life or death?